Episode #16 (Season 12) - "This is House Money"

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Recovery Radio KMP three thousand uh yes. You are listening to the recovery radio podcast on KMP three. I am a member of HostCom. I will be your host. Email me at SarcasticBeep and email. Email me at sarcastic.book. To get all my books, go to sarcasticrecovery.com. Also get some podcast swag over there. Sarcasticrecovery.com. As always, I'm so glad you're here with me. I don't know if your day's just getting started or it's just winding down. Maybe it's somewhere right in the middle, but here we are. You and me. I am glad for that. And I am grateful I have no desire to drink today. I do have my regular piping hot cup of French Rose coffee from Cherry Joe's mixed with some Don Francisco's hazelnut. It's delicious. I've been stuck on it for years now. Really into it.

unknown 1:30

Pretty cool.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

You know what's really cool that I was just thinking about? So I wrote the sarcastic big book in 2019. Seven years ago. And my wife does not have that humor at all. And she said to me, if you're going to do that, one other thing that you should do is put the straight ahead unsarcastic message that you have out there and share it. And I said, How? Should I write another book? She said, No, do a podcast. And that was seven years ago. I've been doing this for seven years, and it's it just hit me right now. I never even think about it. I just think it's such a part of my life to sit down in front of the microphone a few times a week and just talk to you. And I just I just realized I'm looking at the date, I just realized it's been over seven years. I think I started this in July, I think. July of 2019. I remember the first time I got a report. I was so excited, like ten people were listening. So excited.

SPEAKER_02 3:06

Anyways. Hello.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

I really do try to live every day as if I'm not going to be here tomorrow. There's some people in my life who find that morbid. But to me it's not, because tomorrow is not promised. And I love right now. I love today. And I really try to suck the marrow out of every moment of life now. I wasted a lot of time in my life worrying, asking questions that are irrelevant and unanswerable. I wasted 20 years doing those things. Wasted a lot of time pondering what was being said or thought about me. Wasted a lot of time with ego-driven um endeavors. Spent a lot of time listening to the wrong people, bad advice. Not using discernment. And but I do know that this is it. This is the gift right now. Right now. And I do now remind myself of that many, many, many times a day. To just enjoy this day. So much. All of it. It is house money that I'm playing with. You know the term house money? When you're in a casino, if you don't know, if you're in a casino and you win a bunch of money, and then you play with that money, it's called house money. It's not yours. That's how I feel about my life. It's not mine. My life was saved, and I am trying to live a life that was worth saving. I really am. It's not something I just talk about when I'm sitting here. I really do want to make a positive difference in the world. I want to stand for something.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

I want to be safe. I want to grow.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

So it's very hard for me to tell myself that I'm being dealt bad cards ever. It's actually impossible because the fact that I'm being dealt cards at all is a miracle. Last couple years on my drinking, I was I was a lot of coming in and out of blackouts in sordid places. Sketchy places. Scary places. Confusing places. The way I drink is how quickly can I put enough alcohol in me to stop my heart from beating? That's how I drink. I really hated life. I really hated how I felt. I was cynical, I didn't trust anybody, I did not want to live. I used to stand on a bridge in this very town. Trying to work up the nerve to jump on the freeway. In this very town. I drive under that overpass every week, multiple times. And I don't even think about that anymore. So far removed from that because of everything I talk about here with you. But I have spent a lot of time in pitch black, spent a lot of time in misery, confusion, pain, suffering. And worked very hard to not be there. And I am loving today. And I do try to live each day. Like it's my last. And um yesterday. And um he's more grateful than he's ever been. I've known him for forty years, and he's more grateful for everything. He's less stressed, more appreciative of everything, laughs easier, expresses affection easier.

SPEAKER_01 9:55

Worries a lot less. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

I don't know if I ever shared with you how I met him, my friend. He has stage four cancer of the brain and lungs and I met him in seventh grade. It was P E. It was in the 80s, so you wore really, really short shorts, like the kind of shorts I model these days. Just kidding. Actually, but not. But um, and I didn't want to dress out. I weighed about 15 pounds, and I didn't I don't want to be running around in tablecloth like that. And I looked around the the PE playground, and everybody was dressed out except one other person. That's that's my friend. That's my friend I share with you about who's sick. But he was not dressed out either. He was sitting there looking as miserable as I was, and he was wearing a KISS concert jersey, and I thought that dude's probably cool. When you know somebody for that long, you know, you go through a lot. You hate them, you love them, you fight. You you know, betray each other various ways, and there's misunderstandings and sure I'm grateful for my relationship with God. Sure, I'm grateful that he's been a part of my life for so long. Anyways. I hope you have an amazing weekend. You do. I'm gonna go model some very short shorts. On the back, there's a little there's a little um perforated lines, so you can cut them making even shorter. They're always very short. I'm just kidding. All right. Hello, Nina. Anybody needs to hear it? Everything is okay.